What I Wish I Would Have Known

I’ve been reading a lot of articles about things moms wish they knew before they had a baby. The list typically includes things like babies having constant hiccups, babies being born with teeth, that their first poop is a nasty tar consistency (I didn’t have to witness that one!), and countless other physical things about what babies do or don’t do in their first months of life. While I too, wish that I would have known some of those things before Eloise was born, you can navigate physical things much easier than you can navigate emotional things that come with a new baby.

So with that said, here’s my list of the top five things that I ACTUALLY wish I had known before having a baby.

1.      It’s hard. It’s so. Dang. Hard. Who knew such a little being that is so adorable could make the worst in me come out? I thought that I found my flaws when I got married, but having a baby made those flaws magnify times a million. Maybe more than that actually. I quickly realized that the patience I thought I had been working on for so long was still no more present than it was when I was five. I realized that I’m still selfish. I’m lazy. I’m not a morning person. And the biggest…I’m really negative.

2.       Your marriage takes a toll when you have a new baby. Luke and I have been together for 8 years. I can confidently say that we know one another well. I know what he orders at every fast food restaurant. He knows all of the small things that irritate me. I thrive on quality time with him.  I didn’t expect to feel like I couldn’t leave my baby. Those two things don’t mix well. I wanted time with just Luke, but didn’t feel like I could leave Eloise. Not because we don’t have people around us who are incredibly supportive and love her just as much as we do, but because I felt immense guilt about wanting to spend time away from her. I’m a real believer in putting your marriage first, even above your child. Being on the same page with your spouse makes parenting your child well way easier. Don’t hear me say that it makes parenting easy, just easier. Take time to love your spouse well so that you can both love your child well.

3.       You know how to take care of your child. Story: We were eating dinner at Pizza Ranch one night and Eloise was standing on my lap and decided not to stand anymore. She ended up hitting her forehead on my cup…and then proceeded to scream a lot. That led to the restaurant staring at me. I’m sure there was plenty of judgment directed at me. I look like I’m 17 and not old enough to have a baby. I get that. However, despite all the judgmental glances I get wherever I go (you should see people stare when I’m out with my mom…hello teen mom!) I’m still Eloise’s mom. And part of being mom is knowing your baby. Me and that little have spent a lot of time together and I’m pretty in tune with what she needs, judgmental looks or not!

4.       There are so many emotions. I’ve heard that when you have your baby, things are crazy because of the rush of hormones which leads to crazy emotions. What people forget to mention is all of the emotions that set in six weeks later. You haven’t slept much and can’t really remember what your name is, but somehow, someone, somewhere, thought it was a good idea to leave you home with a baby who is 100% dependent on you. I didn’t think I could switch from overflowing love and admiration to frustration and tears so quickly, but surprise! I can. It makes me feel like I’m a crazy person. I’ve cried every kind of tears possible in the last six months-tears of happiness, joy, love, awe, sadness, frustration, anger, sleepiness…all the tears.

5.       It’s a whole new way to love. I used to be the person who mocked people who posted about their heart being overflowing with love blah, blah, blah on social media. But now, now it makes so much more sense. This truly is an overflowing love. It can’t be contained and it spills over. I think I could watch Eloise sleep all day and not get sick of it. It’s peaceful and it’s lovely. I find myself wishing that each stage will never end and yet wanting to jump ahead to new stages. All because there is so much to love. The overwhelming love is the kind of love that I imagine Christ has for us. Unconditional, never-ending, and whole-hearted.

I never knew it was possible to feel so many different things in such a short amount of time. I’m learning to love the refining process that little miss Eloise is taking me through. That girl doesn’t know it yet, and she may never understand, but she’s teaching me more than I will ever be able to teach her.