A New Life Lesson

Recently, people’s number one question about Eloise, besides if she is a he, has been what new things she’s doing. I struggle to answer that because she’s not really doing anything new. She doesn’t crawl, she still likes any food I put in front of her, she still loves her dog, and she still smiles at every person she sees.

When I think about that question…what new things is she doing…there is something that comes to mind. It’s not something I ever say out loud to people because it feels like it wouldn’t make any sense. Eloise’s newest thing is that she’s teaching me. She’s teaching me what joy really looks like. 

True, honest joy.

Always cheesin. 

The other day I was trying to get her to crawl because the pressure of the internet says that my eight month old should definitely be crawling by now, or at least be interested in it. So, I put her on her tummy and got down next to her. I’m showing her what crawling looks like, laying in front of her making all of my best faces, shaking her toys in front of her. Nothing worked. She flashed her giant, cheesy smile at me and then rolled over to her back. She didn’t start screaming after that. No. Instead, she started laughing at her hands. She was deep belly laughing at her hands. She doesn’t care about her toys or about what she’s supposed to (according to whatever Dr. Google says) be doing. She cares that she’s happy. And she’s happy being her.

I can’t really decide what I expected parenting a little would be, but I don’t think that I expected to have her be teaching me. I’m the mom, she’s the child. I teach her. Isn’t that how this works? I suppose it is to some extent. This girl is teaching me joy though. I’m learning what it means to be happy with what I have in this moment. I’m learning that sharing a smile can make a big difference to those around me. I’m learning that looking for the best in situations makes me feel a lot better than finding the worst. Joy. It’s contagious. It’s beautiful. And I wouldn’t trade the joy that radiates from this little girl for anything. I imagine that if we all channeled a little more Eloise in our lives, we would recognize a lot more of the beauty of life around us. I know I have.

What I Wish I Would Have Known

I’ve been reading a lot of articles about things moms wish they knew before they had a baby. The list typically includes things like babies having constant hiccups, babies being born with teeth, that their first poop is a nasty tar consistency (I didn’t have to witness that one!), and countless other physical things about what babies do or don’t do in their first months of life. While I too, wish that I would have known some of those things before Eloise was born, you can navigate physical things much easier than you can navigate emotional things that come with a new baby.

So with that said, here’s my list of the top five things that I ACTUALLY wish I had known before having a baby.

1.      It’s hard. It’s so. Dang. Hard. Who knew such a little being that is so adorable could make the worst in me come out? I thought that I found my flaws when I got married, but having a baby made those flaws magnify times a million. Maybe more than that actually. I quickly realized that the patience I thought I had been working on for so long was still no more present than it was when I was five. I realized that I’m still selfish. I’m lazy. I’m not a morning person. And the biggest…I’m really negative.

2.       Your marriage takes a toll when you have a new baby. Luke and I have been together for 8 years. I can confidently say that we know one another well. I know what he orders at every fast food restaurant. He knows all of the small things that irritate me. I thrive on quality time with him.  I didn’t expect to feel like I couldn’t leave my baby. Those two things don’t mix well. I wanted time with just Luke, but didn’t feel like I could leave Eloise. Not because we don’t have people around us who are incredibly supportive and love her just as much as we do, but because I felt immense guilt about wanting to spend time away from her. I’m a real believer in putting your marriage first, even above your child. Being on the same page with your spouse makes parenting your child well way easier. Don’t hear me say that it makes parenting easy, just easier. Take time to love your spouse well so that you can both love your child well.

3.       You know how to take care of your child. Story: We were eating dinner at Pizza Ranch one night and Eloise was standing on my lap and decided not to stand anymore. She ended up hitting her forehead on my cup…and then proceeded to scream a lot. That led to the restaurant staring at me. I’m sure there was plenty of judgment directed at me. I look like I’m 17 and not old enough to have a baby. I get that. However, despite all the judgmental glances I get wherever I go (you should see people stare when I’m out with my mom…hello teen mom!) I’m still Eloise’s mom. And part of being mom is knowing your baby. Me and that little have spent a lot of time together and I’m pretty in tune with what she needs, judgmental looks or not!

4.       There are so many emotions. I’ve heard that when you have your baby, things are crazy because of the rush of hormones which leads to crazy emotions. What people forget to mention is all of the emotions that set in six weeks later. You haven’t slept much and can’t really remember what your name is, but somehow, someone, somewhere, thought it was a good idea to leave you home with a baby who is 100% dependent on you. I didn’t think I could switch from overflowing love and admiration to frustration and tears so quickly, but surprise! I can. It makes me feel like I’m a crazy person. I’ve cried every kind of tears possible in the last six months-tears of happiness, joy, love, awe, sadness, frustration, anger, sleepiness…all the tears.

5.       It’s a whole new way to love. I used to be the person who mocked people who posted about their heart being overflowing with love blah, blah, blah on social media. But now, now it makes so much more sense. This truly is an overflowing love. It can’t be contained and it spills over. I think I could watch Eloise sleep all day and not get sick of it. It’s peaceful and it’s lovely. I find myself wishing that each stage will never end and yet wanting to jump ahead to new stages. All because there is so much to love. The overwhelming love is the kind of love that I imagine Christ has for us. Unconditional, never-ending, and whole-hearted.

I never knew it was possible to feel so many different things in such a short amount of time. I’m learning to love the refining process that little miss Eloise is taking me through. That girl doesn’t know it yet, and she may never understand, but she’s teaching me more than I will ever be able to teach her. 

When You Choose to Not Stay Home

I wish that Facebook were better at choosing their suggested ads. No, Facebook. I’m not interested in getting my MSW. No, Facebook. I’m not looking to buy subscription boxes for every single thing that could possibly exist (thought sometimes I wish I could!). And no, Facebook. I’m not a stay at home mom. That one might be the one that gets me the most.

I think the reason that last one bothers me so much is because of the extreme guilt I feel for not being a stay at home mom. I work full time, I’m a student, a wife, a daughter, a friend, and a mom. Most days that feels like too many titles, and yet, it’s all the things that I love about my life.

It seems that in the Christian world, a working mom is barely an option. Play groups are during the workday, women’s bible studies are during the work day, and if you even breathe a word about going back to work 12 weeks after your baby is born, there seems to be a strong silent judgment that can be felt long after you leave the conversation.

I went back to work on March 9^th. I’ve spent every day since then feeling so guilty for dropping Ellie off. I leave her with my mom each day. She’s in the care of someone who loves her just as much as I do (not to mention, she gets to hang out with her cousin!) and makes sure that she is getting the best care possible. My first week back to work, Ells decided that bottles weren’t a thing she was interested in. I was faced with the reality that I might not have the option to go back to work. That paralyzed me. I love working. I like my coworkers, I like helping people, and I like being a part of the Northwestern community. The thought of having to walk away from that to stay home all day? Yikes…it paralyzed me.

Eloise Joanna...you have captured my heart. 

Luckily, bottles worked out and I’m still at work 40 hours a week. That didn’t change the guilt I feel for being there though. Is it possible to work full time and still give your kid the love and attention that they need from you? I think it is, but I’m not sure everyone would agree with that. This isn’t a slam to stay at home moms. You all are amazing. Staying home is a thankless, more than full time, incredibly difficult job. Being a working mom doesn’t mean I love my kid any less or that I’m not her biggest fan. I want to not feel guilty for choosing to work while I have a young kid. I wish that the Christian world encouraged working moms as much as it encourages stay at home moms.