Hang On and Buckle Up!

You know how you think you have your whole life nicely planned out? You have every little detail in order. There is no room for any changes or any mistakes. You’ve thought of everything. This is me. This is how I do my life. Or should I say this is what I try to do. God always has something far different in mind for me though. His plan is always so much better than mine, but I always feel the need to figure all of the details out on my own.

I quit my part time job at the elementary school during the first week that classes were back in session. And while I’ll miss those kids and the staff—especially my para friends, I knew I needed to go. I knew that change was coming and that things needed to be different. Driving 30 minutes each way every morning and not being able to really work was dragging me down. I had a negative attitude and wasn’t happy where I was. While I thought I had the perfect plan to go back to work at Northwestern where I was already temping, God thought of something so much better.

The Emily Program. It’s a beautiful place. If you’ve never heard of it, that’s ok. I’d love to share about it with you. I never in my life thought that I would end up working with my degree. And while I’m still just doing administrative work, I’m learning so much. I’m using my degree every day. It’s so great for me to be able to look at something and have an understanding of what is being said. The Emily Program works with people with eating disorders…both anorexia/bulimia and compulsive overeating. I’m so intrigued by these people. They are becoming near and dear to me and I’m excited to learn from them. God has blessed me with a full time job that is close to home and semi using the degree I paid so much money to earn. While I don’t love learning a new job-a whole new system, new names, and a new way of doing things-I’m really excited to see how God is going to use me on this journey. I’m already learning to just enjoy the ride that I’m on. Most things are out of my control and as long as I’m serving Christ, things will be just fine.

Neglectful

I have been incredibly neglectful of this blog lately. Wow. July was not my favorite month of 2011. Let’s be honest….it was one tragedy after another. I left for camp for a week and got notified 4 different times of someone dying. Death. Dead. Gone. I can’t comprehend that. No matter how hard I try to understand death, it just never happens.

I can’t seem to grasp the concept that someone is gone. I won’t see them again-even if the possibility of seeing them again was limited…it’s for sure gone now. It’s funny how when you hear about something bad happening to someone, the memories of that person flood back to you.

One of my classmates from Hot Springs was just killed. Let’s be real-haven’t really spoke to many of those people for a few years, but the memories are flooding back. It’s neat to me how a group will not talk for awhile, but as soon as something happens, the “family” reunites. I feel useless because I’m so far away and so distant from these people now that I almost feel like a stranger to them. Sad because these were the people I was once closest to. It’s funny how life changes so quickly.

Lesson learned: remember to tell the ones you love that you love them always. Life changes quickly and I’m constantly being reminded that I’m not in control.

A Worthless Trait

You know that feeling when you realize something that’s really crappy about yourself? Something that you don’t love, but aren’t sure how to change? That’s been one big moment for me this last week. Let’s go back a few days. My sister and I got into a car accident. The details of that aren’t really important here. What is important is that I walked away from the accident with a bruise and my sister was rolled away on a stretcher with a fractured pelvis in 5 different places…poor girl! I spent most of the time she was in the hospital by her side and helping her out. I called 911 on the accident scene, I made sure to keep talking to her because I knew she had had a concussion, I made all the hard but oh so important calls, and I kept track of everything. For the most part, no one even knew I was in the accident with her. It is by the grace of God that I could keep such a clear mind in a time where I feel like I would normally panic and break down crying. Moving on…

This coming week is BUMP. It’s something I’ve been a part of for many years. It’s also something that I feel like I’m slowly phasing out of. Luke is the MC for the Twin Cities. He has such a talent for leading people and entertaining people. I’m so proud of him. He’s fairly new to the BUMP world. He learned about it when he started dating me. While he’s the one standing up in front of people, I’ll be the one in the back struggling to keep up with the powerpoints. I get way too distracted. All of this leads to the fact that:

I’m selfish.

It’s pretty straightforward. I want someone to pay attention to me. I was talking to Luke a little bit about this over the last week. I wanted just a few people to ask me how I was doing before looking at my sister and focusing on her. I want someone to notice that I’ve been doing BUMP for almost a decade and it’s changed my life in ways that people probably don’t even know. I want someone to give me the ok to take time to sit and pout and throw a fit because I feel left out. It’s all stupid. I can’t justify any of my feelings and that’s frustrating to me. I was thinking about all of this tonight as I’ve been trying to process what’s happened this week and really all I can come up with is this is how I’ve always been. I’m the youngest sibling. I always wanted things my way and I threw a fit if I didn’t get it. That’s not ok to do now, but I want it to be. I don’t really want a pity party, I just want to let it all out and be selfish and have it be ok. Truth be told…it’ll never be ok to do that.

When to Speak and When to Be Silent.

I really struggle with when I should just keep my mouth shut. I’m pretty well known for just saying whatever comes to my mind. I like people to know how I feel about something and I get really frustrated when I have to guess about how people feel. I get that feelings aren’t a clear-cut thing…trust me I get that. I have a degree in Psychology and know from my own experiences that feelings are often twisted and complicated. However, in my mind that’s not an excuse to always remain silent.

On the same note though, it’s not always an excuse to speak your mind. I’m the kind of person to pry and essentially be pretty nosey. I like to know what’s going on in my friend’s lives-whether they’re happy, sad, mad, glad, frustrated, angry, excited. You name it, I want to know it.

I like to help…thus the Psychology degree. I like to make people feel better. I don’t like it when people around me are sad. Sometimes though, I just don’t know how to handle a situation. I don’t know if it’s better to say nothing or better to let them know how I feel about the situation. If I don’t agree with something someone close to me is doing, should I say something?

This is like a twisted bystander effect in my head. I feel like if I say nothing then I didn’t do my part, but if I say too much then I could easily make the situation worse. I’m just not sure how to decipher a situation and decide how much to say. It seems so silly after writing it all out, but it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately!

The Best Part of Waking Up...

...is not Foldgers in my cup…but I do love coffee. In fact, I tend to drink it daily. I’m working on not drinking so much coffee because I’m picky and I don’t like hot coffee. I love iced coffee. It’s great…but expensive. Thus, I’m cutting back.

Today at work I was thinking about what I enjoy about my days and where I want to go in life. I love this new adventure I’m on. It’s so fun to share with someone who I can easily call my best friend. Also, for the record I’ve been married to my best friend for almost a year! I can’t believe how quickly that year went. Anyway, things I love waking up for:

-Coffee

-A day spent with some really great kids

-Tennis…it’s my new thing. Luke and I are playing pretty regularly and I’m surprisingly not terrible.

-A rainy day. Weird I know, but rainy days make my laying around on the couch a lot more justifiable.

-Family. I’ve spent a lot of time with both sides of my family lately and I just really enjoy their company. I’m so lucky to have such supportive people in my life.

-A new adventure. I’m beginning to enjoy adventures a whole lot more than I used to. I’m learning to be more outgoing and be ok with whatever comes my way. I’m excited for whatever adventure is next in life.

-Summer! I know I’ve only been working for a few months, but let me tell you, I’m thrilled for a summer of freedom!

That’s all for now. I like making lists of the things I love. You should try it. It makes you feel a lot better on a not so happy day!

Weird Conversations

Luke and I had an interesting conversation on our drive home from Pete and Kelly’s place.

Side note to the conversation-we are not cut out to be “real” city dwellers. We love visiting Pete and Kelly in their cute apartment, but I don’t think we would survive living down there. There’s never parking and people seem to have conveniently forgot how to drive. I felt so stressed by the time we actually got to where we were supposed to be, that I was ready to turn around and go back home. We didn’t though and we enjoyed our family time eating good burgers and dying eggs. They’re fun.

Back to the conversation-we were talking about being cremated. I can’t exactly remember how it was brought up. Mmmm…actually now that I think about it a little more we drove by the Cremation Society of Minnesota. Luke mentioned how that would be a weird society to be a part of and it went from there. Our opinions don’t usually differ a whole lot on things. We’re pretty agreeable to most things and we seldom argue over something that is opinion based. However, Luke said that he would never want to be cremated and I said I wouldn’t mind.

We continued to discuss for almost the entire drive home about why we felt the way we did (talk about a morbid conversation!) Either way, our opinions are different. I know that cremation is often against what Christians believe. That is where Luke was coming from. The Bible never really specifically talks about cremation. It really only talks about our bodies being buried in the ground and one day rising again. I get that point and how that would make it maybe seem that if you were cremated, you wouldn’t be able to rise again. To that however, I say if God wants to do something it’s probably no it will happen. If I’m a bunch of ashes and God decides to raise my body, it’s going to happen whether I’m ashes or rotten remains of myself.

I told Luke if I die before him, he’s allowed to bury me if that’s better for him. Would I rather be cremated? Probably. Mostly, I feel like being buried in the ground in my whole body is just kind of disgusting. In my mind, all I can think is if there were an earthquake or something and my body somehow came back up to the ground…gross. It sends shivers down my spine. Also, I’m a cheapo. I spend money, but I’m all about buying cheap stuff. I love consignment and secondhand stores. I just think they’re wonderful. If I were cremated I wouldn’t want my ashes sitting on our shelf, that grosses me out too, but I wouldn’t mind being spread somewhere. Shh…I know that’s illegal! Either way, it’s a weird but probably very important thing to think about. I’m hoping to not die anytime soon because I’ve still got dreams to live out, but I suppose it’s something that needs to be figured out just in case. It sure gave me plenty to think about!

Stress. Management.

I wish I had the answer to stress management. I wish I knew how to handle my stress better and how to give people advice on managing their own stress. When I get stressed, I get super grumpy and crabby and mean. That’s unfair to everyone around me. And selfishly really unfair to me. Stress isn’t good for my body and it isn’t good for the people around me. It’s not fair to my husband that when he gets home I’m crabby because I had a hard day. It’s not fair to my mom when I call and complain about all of the small and crappy things I find to complain about. It seems to be far easier to complain than to compliment. Why is that? My newest goal is to work on complimenting others rather than bringing them down. I’m also going to work on building myself up instead of tearing myself down. Isn’t it funny how it’s easier for us to say negative things about ourselves than it is to say positive things about ourselves? It is for me anyway…maybe that’s just me. I’m way better at thinking wow this doesn’t look good on me, I don’t feel like I look good today, or complaining about something about myself. So here’s to building myself up instead of bringing myself down-maybe you should try it too!

Things that I like about my life:

1. This boy. Gosh he's great. He loves me for me and reminds me constantly of how blessed I am.

2. My sister. She is someone who gets every single part of me. She loves me for my mistakes and she loves me for my accomplishments. This girl is seriously amazing.

3. My mom. This woman has taught me some pretty great things. She's tolerated a lot of crap from me also. I love having her so close because it's fun to be able to chat at your mom whenever.

4. Katie. You know how your parents talk about their friends from college. That's this girl. I miss her dearly. She comes home from China in just a little over 2 weeks and I could not be more excited. We laugh together and know the rules of one another. I know that if she's crying not to ask and she hates it when you untuck the corners of her sheets. Seriously, this girl will be in my life forever.

5. Kota. So what...maybe I'm already a crazy cat lady. This little fur ball brings so many smiles to my face. She is such a clown...or a turtle! She is crazy and isn't the best at cuddling, but the smiles make it all worth it.

6. My job. The Lord has blessed me with a job that I just love. I love seeing the cute little kids everyday and being able to help out a super busy secretary. I never thought I would end up back at elementary school, but I know it's where I'm supposed to be.

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Faker.

A thing I really don’t love is people who aren’t themselves. I get that sometimes it’s really hard to always be yourself, but I really wish that people were more like their “true” self more often. I just sat through a couple of months of interviews trying to make people like me and look like I’m the best for the job. The interview I felt best about (and got the job!!) is the one that I was acting like myself the most at. It felt comfortable and good to walk out knowing that I was myself and that was the best I could do.

I lived a double-life for quite a few years. Whether it was pretending like I was happy and doing just fine or whether I was sitting in the front row of church pretending that I was doing the best I could in life, I was being fake. I’m realizing how hurtful being fake really is. I’ve hurt myself a lot by not being true about who I really am and what I need and want. I let how I appeared and who I knew rule my life for far too long. I’m understanding that what should actually be important to me is caring about my family and close friends…along with myself.

So what happens when the closest people around you aren’t being their true selves? Or what happens when they are being themselves, but it’s not really something that you respect? Where do you go then? I’m not sure how much of a place I would really have to call someone out on these sorts of things. I think that I often feel inadequate to call anyone out on anything. I’ve had my times of lying, hurting, and making poor choices that led to a very fake life. It makes me feel like I could never call someone out on not being real.

Let me tell you this, fakers can only change being fake on their own. If you’re living a fake life, think about the people around you who are being affected by that. I can guarantee you that it’s hurting people. In order for someone to change their actions, something inside them has to change. Change comes from within, it doesn’t happen on its own, and it’s a constant battle to not go back. Change is often for the better, but I don’t get why it can take so long for someone to realize how necessary change is.

Empty Promises

I think something that I have really learned about myself of the last few months is how much I really dislike people who say one thing and do something completely opposite. It might be that I dislike this so much because I used to be that person. I think that often when we change things about ourselves for the better, we learn to despise the old characteristics about ourselves.
I'm learning that I end up more frustrated when someone says that they will do something, be somewhere, or something along those lines and then they don't follow through. I get people pleasing...trust me I've been there, no, I am still there, but I believe that for most people it hurts worse to be promised something and not receive it than to just never be promised something in the first place.
I'm trying to figure out how to handle all of that. People will obviously let you down at some point because we're all human. We can't always use that as an excuse, but it is the truth. So how do you cope with being let down? What's the solution? Is there even a solution? I think the answer to that looks different for everyone. We all cope differently. I'm not sure there is a solution, but I do think that there is an appropriate way to handle these kinds of situations. I'm trying my best to not blame others when I feel let down, but instead to forgive and not be bitter. I'm learning it's best to work to improve yourself rather than trying to fix everyone around you.

Opinions Don't Cost a Thing...

The other day Luke asked me to write an opinion article for the Column at Northwestern about being unemployed. I laughed at him and told him I don't write at all. The truth of it really was that I already feel crappy enough about being unemployed after being out of school for 3 months, that I didn't want the entire Northwestern world to know that. Let me tell you something...graduating and hunting for a job in the real world is not a simple task.
I have been handed almost every job I've had. I didn't really have to fill out applications and I certainly didn't interview. Being in the real world is SO different from that. I've filled out a bazillion applications and still don't feel like I've done enough.
It's not that I wasn't prepared for finding a real job. In Senior Seminar, I was given plenty of resources to use to find a job. As a matter of fact, I felt pretty prepared to find a job. I think I felt more prepared than most college grads because I wasn't actually looking for a job in my field. Instead, I was looking for some sort of administrative support position. You only have to have a high school diploma for those.
I was quickly humbled when I started receiving rejection letters for jobs. I learned that you don't want e-mails, you want phone calls. How do you make yourself stand out in a stack of over 500 applications? What is so special about me from the person next to me?
I'm still not sure. I know that I'm a pretty dedicated employee. I don't quit jobs because they're hard or not my favorite thing to do. I've worked some pretty unejoyable days at previous jobs. That's not a reason to quit and give up. I think that's the most important part to remember through the job hunt. Don't quit and give up.
I don't want to sit at home and be a couch potato for the rest of my life. I have dreams...things I want to personally accomplish. It's important to me to be an employee somewhere. I enjoy working surprisingly enough. I enjoy helping people and that's part of what you get to do at work. I'm excited for the phone call where I can hang up and feel good about myself because I am finally an employee somewhere. Patience isn't my strong point and I'm really beginning to see that. After sitting around for a little over 6 week, I'm antsy and getting really impatient. I keep saying that I wish going in for an interview was like scratch lotto. I just want to know when I walk out whether or not I have a job.
If I had to give my opinion on being unemployed, I'd say it sucks. However, I wouldn't trade the last 6 weeks of hanging out with my parents and learning new things about myself daily for anything. It's a special time...that I'd be more than happy to have end any day now!

Sticks and Stones...

I grew up hearing the saying, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Now that I'm older, all I can think is what a joke that really is. I can remember running around on the playground and being made fun of and chanting that stupid saying at whoever was making rude comments to me. I was always being made fun of for being so short. To this day, that continues. Short comments and jokes really don't phase me anymore. I'm totally satisfied with being 5'1''. I come from a small family and wouldn't fit in if I were any taller!

These days though, other words really do get me down. I've began to realize over the last few months how much people's words really do hurt me. I'm normally pretty good at rolling with the punches and pretending to be mad, but just laughing whatever it is off. I'm learning a lot about myself as I have the time to sit and think to myself. I'm learning that I am so sick of faking things and really am affected by what people say to me.

Being told I'm dumb or that I'll never get a job or that I'll never be good enough has really started to take me down. I'm pretty good at talking myself through things and telling myself things of truth. After all, I am a psychology major and have learned all about positive self talk. I can tell myself all the positive things in the world, but where are my friends who are supposed to be repeating those positive things to me? And where I have been in repeating positive words to my friends? I tend to be a pretty sarcastic person and I think I've realized that maybe my rude sarcasm really is just not that funny.

My husband does a great job of reminding me how great he thinks I am, how well I cook, and how much he enjoys my company. He's great at feeding positive thoughts to me. I feel bad that I don't give that positive feedback to him. I do sometimes, but not as often as I should. Friends need to lift one another up...not tear one another down. I need to remember that and I'm hoping the people around me realize that too.

Sticks and stones will break bones, but words can and will hurt you.

Oh the Changes Life Brings!

Change: to transform or convert

2010 brought a number of changes in my life...all changes that brought transformation. Let's revisit a few of those big things:

I got engaged.

Ok, technically that was in 2009, but I did all of the planning for the big day in 2010. He proposed the day after my birthday-thanks to my lovely night class, it was a day later than planned. There were so many people in on the plan and I'm impressed at how many people said nothing to me! Luke planned the perfect birthday surprise for me and I am so thankful for the friends and family who helped!

My parents sold my childhood home and moved to Minnesota. I knew this would happen eventually because let's be honest, most people don't want to live in Hot Springs forever...I knew I didn't! May was a crazy month already with finishing up a semester of school, moving to a new apartment, and getting married-so my crazy family decided why not pile on some more and decided to move! It's been so enjoyable to have the people you love most live 10 minutes away instead of 10 hours. Although, I do sometimes miss that 10 hour drive to clear my head!



We went on an Alaskan cruise for our honeymoon!

I got married. I mean that's a pretty big deal, right? I've been uploading our wedding pictures to Facebook finally, and it has been so fun to relive that day. Most of it seems to be a blur to me, but I know that Luke and I were both so blessed that day. What could be better than having your family and closest friends celebrate with you? It was wonderful. It's been fun and challenging to figure out marriage together. It has its own ups and downs just like everything else in life. I find myself in awe sometimes when I walk through the door of our apartment and think that it's our stuff, our home, and our life together. It's fun...I would recommend it!

We got a kitten. Kota. Luke brought her home from the Humane Society on June 22, 2010. Yeah...our deal was that once all of the boxes were unpacked, we could get a kitten. We didn't want her to accidentally get thrown away with all of the boxes! She's a beast...a small beast, but a beast none the less. This cat has brought some big smiles to our faces. I know that I might be a crazy cat lady already at 22, but I'm ok with that. Kota is a crazy cat who maybe thinks she's a dog sometimes. I could write a number of stories about the times Luke and I have just sat and laughed at her. She does the craziest things. She entertains herself with our socks (which are now spread all over our apartment), she owns the bathroom (typical girl I suppose!), and she still finds time to snuggle up and be a normal cat. We throw her in the car and take her down to Iowa so that her grandparents can enjoy her silly self also. Overall, I think it was $150 well invested!

I graduated! I now have a Bachelor's degree in Marriage and Family Psychology from Northwestern College. I'm proud of that. It's weird to think that I'm a college grad. As I sit and look for jobs, I really don't feel qualified to do a lot of things. After all, I'm only 22. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was starting high school...or graduating from high school. I'm excited for where God will take me over the next few months and I job hunt (and hopefully am hired) and start a new career.

That's the big stuff that's coming to mind right now for 2010. It was a roller coaster of a year. I loved some moments of it and really hated some others. I learned a lot about what trusting God meant. I was stretched and challenged and forced to cling to God so many different times. It's funny how change hurts so bad sometimes, but in the end it's always for the better. I'm really struggling to come up with a change in my life that wasn't somehow used to make me a better person. I wish that I remember things like that in the midst of big changes. Instead, I freak out and think that the worst thing in the world is happening. Silly me because the changes I got this year were an amazing husband, a family who is close, a fun kitten, and a whole new perspective on life.