A Worthless Trait

You know that feeling when you realize something that’s really crappy about yourself? Something that you don’t love, but aren’t sure how to change? That’s been one big moment for me this last week. Let’s go back a few days. My sister and I got into a car accident. The details of that aren’t really important here. What is important is that I walked away from the accident with a bruise and my sister was rolled away on a stretcher with a fractured pelvis in 5 different places…poor girl! I spent most of the time she was in the hospital by her side and helping her out. I called 911 on the accident scene, I made sure to keep talking to her because I knew she had had a concussion, I made all the hard but oh so important calls, and I kept track of everything. For the most part, no one even knew I was in the accident with her. It is by the grace of God that I could keep such a clear mind in a time where I feel like I would normally panic and break down crying. Moving on…

This coming week is BUMP. It’s something I’ve been a part of for many years. It’s also something that I feel like I’m slowly phasing out of. Luke is the MC for the Twin Cities. He has such a talent for leading people and entertaining people. I’m so proud of him. He’s fairly new to the BUMP world. He learned about it when he started dating me. While he’s the one standing up in front of people, I’ll be the one in the back struggling to keep up with the powerpoints. I get way too distracted. All of this leads to the fact that:

I’m selfish.

It’s pretty straightforward. I want someone to pay attention to me. I was talking to Luke a little bit about this over the last week. I wanted just a few people to ask me how I was doing before looking at my sister and focusing on her. I want someone to notice that I’ve been doing BUMP for almost a decade and it’s changed my life in ways that people probably don’t even know. I want someone to give me the ok to take time to sit and pout and throw a fit because I feel left out. It’s all stupid. I can’t justify any of my feelings and that’s frustrating to me. I was thinking about all of this tonight as I’ve been trying to process what’s happened this week and really all I can come up with is this is how I’ve always been. I’m the youngest sibling. I always wanted things my way and I threw a fit if I didn’t get it. That’s not ok to do now, but I want it to be. I don’t really want a pity party, I just want to let it all out and be selfish and have it be ok. Truth be told…it’ll never be ok to do that.