A New Life Lesson

Recently, people’s number one question about Eloise, besides if she is a he, has been what new things she’s doing. I struggle to answer that because she’s not really doing anything new. She doesn’t crawl, she still likes any food I put in front of her, she still loves her dog, and she still smiles at every person she sees.

When I think about that question…what new things is she doing…there is something that comes to mind. It’s not something I ever say out loud to people because it feels like it wouldn’t make any sense. Eloise’s newest thing is that she’s teaching me. She’s teaching me what joy really looks like. 

True, honest joy.

Always cheesin. 

The other day I was trying to get her to crawl because the pressure of the internet says that my eight month old should definitely be crawling by now, or at least be interested in it. So, I put her on her tummy and got down next to her. I’m showing her what crawling looks like, laying in front of her making all of my best faces, shaking her toys in front of her. Nothing worked. She flashed her giant, cheesy smile at me and then rolled over to her back. She didn’t start screaming after that. No. Instead, she started laughing at her hands. She was deep belly laughing at her hands. She doesn’t care about her toys or about what she’s supposed to (according to whatever Dr. Google says) be doing. She cares that she’s happy. And she’s happy being her.

I can’t really decide what I expected parenting a little would be, but I don’t think that I expected to have her be teaching me. I’m the mom, she’s the child. I teach her. Isn’t that how this works? I suppose it is to some extent. This girl is teaching me joy though. I’m learning what it means to be happy with what I have in this moment. I’m learning that sharing a smile can make a big difference to those around me. I’m learning that looking for the best in situations makes me feel a lot better than finding the worst. Joy. It’s contagious. It’s beautiful. And I wouldn’t trade the joy that radiates from this little girl for anything. I imagine that if we all channeled a little more Eloise in our lives, we would recognize a lot more of the beauty of life around us. I know I have.

What I Wish I Would Have Known

I’ve been reading a lot of articles about things moms wish they knew before they had a baby. The list typically includes things like babies having constant hiccups, babies being born with teeth, that their first poop is a nasty tar consistency (I didn’t have to witness that one!), and countless other physical things about what babies do or don’t do in their first months of life. While I too, wish that I would have known some of those things before Eloise was born, you can navigate physical things much easier than you can navigate emotional things that come with a new baby.

So with that said, here’s my list of the top five things that I ACTUALLY wish I had known before having a baby.

1.      It’s hard. It’s so. Dang. Hard. Who knew such a little being that is so adorable could make the worst in me come out? I thought that I found my flaws when I got married, but having a baby made those flaws magnify times a million. Maybe more than that actually. I quickly realized that the patience I thought I had been working on for so long was still no more present than it was when I was five. I realized that I’m still selfish. I’m lazy. I’m not a morning person. And the biggest…I’m really negative.

2.       Your marriage takes a toll when you have a new baby. Luke and I have been together for 8 years. I can confidently say that we know one another well. I know what he orders at every fast food restaurant. He knows all of the small things that irritate me. I thrive on quality time with him.  I didn’t expect to feel like I couldn’t leave my baby. Those two things don’t mix well. I wanted time with just Luke, but didn’t feel like I could leave Eloise. Not because we don’t have people around us who are incredibly supportive and love her just as much as we do, but because I felt immense guilt about wanting to spend time away from her. I’m a real believer in putting your marriage first, even above your child. Being on the same page with your spouse makes parenting your child well way easier. Don’t hear me say that it makes parenting easy, just easier. Take time to love your spouse well so that you can both love your child well.

3.       You know how to take care of your child. Story: We were eating dinner at Pizza Ranch one night and Eloise was standing on my lap and decided not to stand anymore. She ended up hitting her forehead on my cup…and then proceeded to scream a lot. That led to the restaurant staring at me. I’m sure there was plenty of judgment directed at me. I look like I’m 17 and not old enough to have a baby. I get that. However, despite all the judgmental glances I get wherever I go (you should see people stare when I’m out with my mom…hello teen mom!) I’m still Eloise’s mom. And part of being mom is knowing your baby. Me and that little have spent a lot of time together and I’m pretty in tune with what she needs, judgmental looks or not!

4.       There are so many emotions. I’ve heard that when you have your baby, things are crazy because of the rush of hormones which leads to crazy emotions. What people forget to mention is all of the emotions that set in six weeks later. You haven’t slept much and can’t really remember what your name is, but somehow, someone, somewhere, thought it was a good idea to leave you home with a baby who is 100% dependent on you. I didn’t think I could switch from overflowing love and admiration to frustration and tears so quickly, but surprise! I can. It makes me feel like I’m a crazy person. I’ve cried every kind of tears possible in the last six months-tears of happiness, joy, love, awe, sadness, frustration, anger, sleepiness…all the tears.

5.       It’s a whole new way to love. I used to be the person who mocked people who posted about their heart being overflowing with love blah, blah, blah on social media. But now, now it makes so much more sense. This truly is an overflowing love. It can’t be contained and it spills over. I think I could watch Eloise sleep all day and not get sick of it. It’s peaceful and it’s lovely. I find myself wishing that each stage will never end and yet wanting to jump ahead to new stages. All because there is so much to love. The overwhelming love is the kind of love that I imagine Christ has for us. Unconditional, never-ending, and whole-hearted.

I never knew it was possible to feel so many different things in such a short amount of time. I’m learning to love the refining process that little miss Eloise is taking me through. That girl doesn’t know it yet, and she may never understand, but she’s teaching me more than I will ever be able to teach her. 

When You Choose to Not Stay Home

I wish that Facebook were better at choosing their suggested ads. No, Facebook. I’m not interested in getting my MSW. No, Facebook. I’m not looking to buy subscription boxes for every single thing that could possibly exist (thought sometimes I wish I could!). And no, Facebook. I’m not a stay at home mom. That one might be the one that gets me the most.

I think the reason that last one bothers me so much is because of the extreme guilt I feel for not being a stay at home mom. I work full time, I’m a student, a wife, a daughter, a friend, and a mom. Most days that feels like too many titles, and yet, it’s all the things that I love about my life.

It seems that in the Christian world, a working mom is barely an option. Play groups are during the workday, women’s bible studies are during the work day, and if you even breathe a word about going back to work 12 weeks after your baby is born, there seems to be a strong silent judgment that can be felt long after you leave the conversation.

I went back to work on March 9^th. I’ve spent every day since then feeling so guilty for dropping Ellie off. I leave her with my mom each day. She’s in the care of someone who loves her just as much as I do (not to mention, she gets to hang out with her cousin!) and makes sure that she is getting the best care possible. My first week back to work, Ells decided that bottles weren’t a thing she was interested in. I was faced with the reality that I might not have the option to go back to work. That paralyzed me. I love working. I like my coworkers, I like helping people, and I like being a part of the Northwestern community. The thought of having to walk away from that to stay home all day? Yikes…it paralyzed me.

Eloise Joanna...you have captured my heart. 

Luckily, bottles worked out and I’m still at work 40 hours a week. That didn’t change the guilt I feel for being there though. Is it possible to work full time and still give your kid the love and attention that they need from you? I think it is, but I’m not sure everyone would agree with that. This isn’t a slam to stay at home moms. You all are amazing. Staying home is a thankless, more than full time, incredibly difficult job. Being a working mom doesn’t mean I love my kid any less or that I’m not her biggest fan. I want to not feel guilty for choosing to work while I have a young kid. I wish that the Christian world encouraged working moms as much as it encourages stay at home moms.

Never Alone

That sinking feeling when you don’t know who to turn to or where to go. I hate that. It always seems to sneak up on me when Luke is traveling and I’m home all alone. As much as I love my pets, they just don’t quite fill that void of having someone in the house with me.

I’m the kind of person who will reprocess every single decision I have made in life and come up with a hundred reasons why all of those decisions were wrong. I can come up with things I could have done better, things I shouldn't have done, things I should have done, things that really make no difference at all. 

Ultimately, I know this is a waste of time and yet somehow it consistently seems to happen.

What do you do in that place of loneliness and despair? Where do you turn? I’m pretty good at throwing myself a pity party and making myself out to be the victim. I can sit in my sorrow for weeks… months…maybe even years…and wait for someone to come and rescue me.

I wait for someone to come and scoop me up out of a messy place. A place that I hate being and yet somehow continuously get myself into. It’s not the responsibility of someone else to get me out of that place. That one’s on me. Every time.

Lucky for me, I serve a God who never leaves me. I’m always welcomed with open arms. Forgiving arms. Arms full of grace for my sins. I wish that somehow I could wrap my mind around how big and gracious our God really is. I’m astounded when I even begin thinking about that. God never leaves us to walk alone in anything. We aren't alone in the perfect times, the messy times, and the sinful times; we aren't alone in anything. 

God is faithful. 

Challenge. Accepted.

As some of you know, I recently returned from backpacking in Colordao. Yes, that’s right. I went backpacking. If you know me well (or know me even a little bit) you know that I am not an outdoorsy person and have camped a whole 2 times in my life. I know nothing about the outdoors except for the minimal knowledge I gained making a video about no trace camping in Environmental Science.

This all came to be when I met up with one of my YoungLife girls for a nice cup of coffee one evening. I had been trying to convince her to go to Colorado to go to Crooked Creek (a really sweet resort type thing) and she had other plans. She came in with the flyer, put it down in front of me and essentially told me that this is what we were doing instead. I agreed fairly easily and wasn’t sure why to be honest. The power of high schoolers is pretty intense stuff I guess. I agreed sometime around February I believe and we left at the end of July. That’s a lot of time for me to worry about a lot of things. And so I did.

I procrastinated in packing for as long as possible. I packed everything I would need an hour before we left. Why be prepared for something that scares the crap out of you? The months leading up for the trip, I tossed around jokes about how nervous I was and how much I really didn’t want to go, but knew in my heart that those weren’t jokes. I don’t take risks. I don’t accept challenges. And I don’t backpack. My mind was numb for most of the day as we were preparing to leave. If I don’t think about what I’m doing, I can’t freak out about it.

We loaded the bus for our lovely 24 hour bus ride. I’m all for road trips and can handle being in the car for long periods of time, but 24 hours is a little extreme. We were already playing games within the first hour of the trip…that’s bad news in my mind. I like to wait as long as I can to be so bored that I need things to entertain myself with. Not with this group. We played games, we talked, we laughed until we cried (well until I cried), and we slept some.

 *Note. We have THE BEST YoungLife kids. I could not have been more proud to be their leader. More to come on that.

I’ll summarize the entire trip because I could go on and on with details about our week. We whitewater rafted on Monday which was something I also never thought I would do. I did it. And I took the harder of the two options and survived it. We paddled 10 miles down the Arkansas River with our new best friend, Jay. I was with my 3 girls who were on the trip. We didn’t let the boys go with us mostly because I wanted to be successful without them! The next day, we loaded up our packs and headed out on the trail for our 4 day adventure. It was an adventure. I have never felt more challenged, exhausted, frustrated, or excited in my life. The scenery was beautiful…obviously. We hiked to the top of a mountain and back down in one day, we went through rivers, we went over fields of rocks, and through forests.

Here’s where I brag about how great our group was. There were 3 girls, 6 guys, a female guide, a male guide, Luke and myself. There was not one river, large rock, fallen tree, or any other obstacle that I had to cross by myself. There was constantly one of our guys asking who needed help, what they could do, and generally making sure that we were ok. The group as a whole was respectful, open, and honest. We were all broken together and gained so much from one another. Speaking for myself, I just made 10 new really great friends on this trip. I feel blessed to know them and be in their lives.

I learned a lot about myself over the week. I can do things that scare the crap out of me. I spend a lot of time telling myself negative things. “I can’t do it.” “I won’t make it.” “I’m not athletic enough for this.” The list goes on and on. Here’s the truth. It doesn’t hurt to give it a try. I may not be at the front of the pack. I may not go as quickly as everyone else. And I might need to stop 72 times when we are going uphill. But here is the moral…I made it. I did it. I accomplished a number of things I never thought I could.

So thank you Gillian. Thank you Jessica. Thank you Megan. Thank you for opening up to me and teaching me things about myself that I couldn’t have learned without you. Thanks for letting me into your lives and giving me the chance to grow with you. I am so proud of the 3 of you. You are all beautiful young ladies with so many great things in your future.

And thank you boys…Jonah, Tyler, Bjorn, Timmy, Tommy, and Nate. Thank you for doing such a great job taking care of all of us. Thank you for the respect that you have for people and your love for life. Keep taking on the challenges of life and conquering them. 

Sometimes You Can Be Proven Wrong

Whoa folks. It’s been awhile hasn’t it? The last couple of months have really changed for Luke and I. One of the biggest changes lately…we bought a house. Yeah. What?! I usually don’t believe it either when I pull into my garage and then walk in my front door. It’s a beautiful place to call home and we are so excited to not live in the apartment anymore.  Someday I will post pictures-I promise!

Another thing we love about having the house is that we have more room to host fun events. For example, Luke is currently in the basement watching the NFL draft with a bunch of guys. It’s a blessing to have the space to have people over whenever.

Some of you may know that Luke and I both lead YoungLife out here. We absolutely love our high school students! I won’t speak for Luke at all, but I know that before this current semester, I was pretty half-hearted about YoungLife. In fact, there were multiple times I thought about quitting. Somehow I was pretty sure I was better off as “Luke’s wife” rather than a leader. I’ve got plenty of things I could share with high school girls about things they should and shouldn’t do in high school and beyond that, but none of it seemed good enough to share. Maybe that’s because I am a downer on myself and was confident that none of them would like me and I was just going to be that outcast girl that none of the girls liked.

I’ll tell you what. They proved me wrong. My girls are some of the best I have ever met. They are kind, caring, and so willing to be open and honest. I eagerly look forward to seeing them every Monday and secretly (well not so secretly anymore) hope that they will want to hang out at some other time during the week. These girls have convinced me to go backpacking in Colorado this summer along with numerous other things outside my comfort zone. They are intelligent and so incredibly talented. I cherish the time I get to spend with them and appreciate their kind words and compassion on my life.

If I had to guess about what my life would look like when I was in high school, I can assure you it wouldn’t have been this. I’ll tell you what though-I still adore a good conversation about who likes who late at night! Thank you girls for opening up to me and accepting me! You all are wonderful!

I'm Only Human

I have been neglecting blogging lately. And by neglecting, I more so mean avoiding. I’m not really sure of the reason, but I think it might have something to with not facing the ugly truths I realize when I blog. I’ve been going back through reading some of the things I’ve blogged about and most of them are about some flaw I’ve noticed in myself and how I intend to fix that. Lately I haven’t felt too insightful into my life.

I’ve been describing my life over the last few months as a snow globe that a small child is holding. I feel like my whole life is continually being shook up and I can’t really hold on to anything. It’s funny though…there are a number of things in my life that are really stable and going really well. I have a full time job that I love and look forward to going to every day. It may be demanding and emotionally draining, but each day I feel blessed that I get to work with such a great team. I really feel like they care about me and appreciate me. I am blessed with a husband who understands my crazy brain and usually just lets things go. He reminds me often that I can’t control the world and that I don’t need to please everybody around me.

So what don’t I want to face in life? Why don’t I want to dig a little deeper into my life and see what’s really going on? FEAR. I’m scared of what I’ll begin to realize about myself if I do that. I drove by a car accident on my way to work the other day that looked eerily similar to the one I was in over the summer. I spent the next 3 minutes of my drive feeling panicked and like it was all going to happen again. Lucky for me, when I got to work I had to spend my morning typing about questions about PTSD from traumatic events such as car accidents. I think that’s when it hit me. I have never taken the time to process a lot of serious life events. Seeing my sister unconscious and not being sure if she was alive or not was definitely traumatic. I think I just breezed past it because I needed to be the one who was ok. I’m a people pleaser. I like people to feel ok and like things are fine even if that means I’m not. I quickly emailed Luke and asked if I was crazy for getting so worked up over just seeing a car accident. Des is fine. I am fine. And I’ve always just figured it was time to move on from it.

This is it though. This is where I’m deciding it’s time for me. It’s ok that I can’t make everyone happen. Sometimes it’s ok to put yourself first. It’s time for a little self care for this girl. I’m going to take some time to process through some stuff that’s happened. It doesn’t make me crazy, it makes me human.