I'm Only Human

I have been neglecting blogging lately. And by neglecting, I more so mean avoiding. I’m not really sure of the reason, but I think it might have something to with not facing the ugly truths I realize when I blog. I’ve been going back through reading some of the things I’ve blogged about and most of them are about some flaw I’ve noticed in myself and how I intend to fix that. Lately I haven’t felt too insightful into my life.

I’ve been describing my life over the last few months as a snow globe that a small child is holding. I feel like my whole life is continually being shook up and I can’t really hold on to anything. It’s funny though…there are a number of things in my life that are really stable and going really well. I have a full time job that I love and look forward to going to every day. It may be demanding and emotionally draining, but each day I feel blessed that I get to work with such a great team. I really feel like they care about me and appreciate me. I am blessed with a husband who understands my crazy brain and usually just lets things go. He reminds me often that I can’t control the world and that I don’t need to please everybody around me.

So what don’t I want to face in life? Why don’t I want to dig a little deeper into my life and see what’s really going on? FEAR. I’m scared of what I’ll begin to realize about myself if I do that. I drove by a car accident on my way to work the other day that looked eerily similar to the one I was in over the summer. I spent the next 3 minutes of my drive feeling panicked and like it was all going to happen again. Lucky for me, when I got to work I had to spend my morning typing about questions about PTSD from traumatic events such as car accidents. I think that’s when it hit me. I have never taken the time to process a lot of serious life events. Seeing my sister unconscious and not being sure if she was alive or not was definitely traumatic. I think I just breezed past it because I needed to be the one who was ok. I’m a people pleaser. I like people to feel ok and like things are fine even if that means I’m not. I quickly emailed Luke and asked if I was crazy for getting so worked up over just seeing a car accident. Des is fine. I am fine. And I’ve always just figured it was time to move on from it.

This is it though. This is where I’m deciding it’s time for me. It’s ok that I can’t make everyone happen. Sometimes it’s ok to put yourself first. It’s time for a little self care for this girl. I’m going to take some time to process through some stuff that’s happened. It doesn’t make me crazy, it makes me human.